Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Center

I draw inspiration this morning from the oddest of sources: professional wrestler Shawn Michaels. I was listening to him on a podcast with Sportswriter Bill Simmons on my way in to work. Michaels talked about how Job suffered enormously, yet he remained right in the center of God’s Will the entire time. That's why I am glad I visited

I have strayed from the center of God’s Will into a place where, well, I don’t know where I am. Sure, I am doing God’s Will in terms of my writing and the promise that gives. I am thankful for that. I am doing God’s Will in helping people through my current main job. I work on paperwork for a Mental Health Diversion program that helps people avoid jail if they have a serious mental illness. Where I have strayed from God’s Will is in my personal relationships and Christian ministries.

Shawn Michaels stated how it is more important to be in the center of God’s Will even through bad things then to pursue what we perceive is good if it is not in God’s Will. Right now, I am far from God’s Will, and I am not in a good place. My marriage appears to be little more than an arrangement with a roommate that I don’t mind living with. We share common interests, but there is very little love there anymore. I am ashamed to say there are more times when I am greatly annoyed by tiny little things to the point where they consume me. Since there is almost no connection anymore I find myself just longing for silence and solitude at home.

I know we got here because we have strayed from having God at the center of this marriage. Seeking any other answer, no matter how easy or how good we might think it would be, is wrong too. That is what Michaels was alluding to this morning. It may feel right to seek something else, but if we look in the long run it makes things much, much worse. We’re both guilty of this, and instead of seeking that reconnection there is only resentment. I must find my way back to the center of God’s Will.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Gone too long

My apologies, but I have been gone way too long. A lot has happened in the last three months. I have gained at least part-time employment. I have been writing more in an area that I want to write, though that has come at the sacrifice of this blog. I have also become more centered and calm in my life. It is refreshing.

I essentially had a complete mental breakdown on April 16th. Since then, I have been in therapy and officially on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life. I used to be wary of this because I felt like it was not trusting God if I went on those meds. Instead, I have seen that God has allowed mankind to advance to the point where we can get the help we need.

I have neglected this site because I haven't felt like I have been in a position to write properly here. I noticed that tons of spam has taken over some comments, but there have been a few genuine comments as well. For those, I thank you. I am hoping to come back here a little more regularly as God calls me to. It is not serving hte same role that it once did in my life, but there is a still a purpose there. The purpose is to tell my journey and my story.

Despite everything I have experienced in my life, God has blessed me with some genuine peace over the last three months. Now it is time to step back, enjoy that peace, and get back to my work of serving Him. All he asks is that we seek forgiveness because the penalty has been paid by the blood of His Son. It is in that forgiveness that we offer so much more of ourselves.