Wednesday, December 15, 2010


When it comes to choir robes, they are much different than nursing scrubs. These nursing scrubs are often dusty in the back of the choir room, being worn only a few times a year. That is why medical scrubs are much more versatile because they come in assorted colors and are worn nearly every day by professionals that performt he duties that keep us healthy.

Most of these people are nurses and doctors, and they should need a uniforms. These products not only make them look official, they help them carry all the critical equipment needed for their profession. Like anything else, they are a critical tool for the job.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Center

I draw inspiration this morning from the oddest of sources: professional wrestler Shawn Michaels. I was listening to him on a podcast with Sportswriter Bill Simmons on my way in to work. Michaels talked about how Job suffered enormously, yet he remained right in the center of God’s Will the entire time. That's why I am glad I visited

I have strayed from the center of God’s Will into a place where, well, I don’t know where I am. Sure, I am doing God’s Will in terms of my writing and the promise that gives. I am thankful for that. I am doing God’s Will in helping people through my current main job. I work on paperwork for a Mental Health Diversion program that helps people avoid jail if they have a serious mental illness. Where I have strayed from God’s Will is in my personal relationships and Christian ministries.

Shawn Michaels stated how it is more important to be in the center of God’s Will even through bad things then to pursue what we perceive is good if it is not in God’s Will. Right now, I am far from God’s Will, and I am not in a good place. My marriage appears to be little more than an arrangement with a roommate that I don’t mind living with. We share common interests, but there is very little love there anymore. I am ashamed to say there are more times when I am greatly annoyed by tiny little things to the point where they consume me. Since there is almost no connection anymore I find myself just longing for silence and solitude at home.

I know we got here because we have strayed from having God at the center of this marriage. Seeking any other answer, no matter how easy or how good we might think it would be, is wrong too. That is what Michaels was alluding to this morning. It may feel right to seek something else, but if we look in the long run it makes things much, much worse. We’re both guilty of this, and instead of seeking that reconnection there is only resentment. I must find my way back to the center of God’s Will.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Gone too long

My apologies, but I have been gone way too long. A lot has happened in the last three months. I have gained at least part-time employment. I have been writing more in an area that I want to write, though that has come at the sacrifice of this blog. I have also become more centered and calm in my life. It is refreshing.

I essentially had a complete mental breakdown on April 16th. Since then, I have been in therapy and officially on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication for the first time in my life. I used to be wary of this because I felt like it was not trusting God if I went on those meds. Instead, I have seen that God has allowed mankind to advance to the point where we can get the help we need.

I have neglected this site because I haven't felt like I have been in a position to write properly here. I noticed that tons of spam has taken over some comments, but there have been a few genuine comments as well. For those, I thank you. I am hoping to come back here a little more regularly as God calls me to. It is not serving hte same role that it once did in my life, but there is a still a purpose there. The purpose is to tell my journey and my story.

Despite everything I have experienced in my life, God has blessed me with some genuine peace over the last three months. Now it is time to step back, enjoy that peace, and get back to my work of serving Him. All he asks is that we seek forgiveness because the penalty has been paid by the blood of His Son. It is in that forgiveness that we offer so much more of ourselves.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


One of the greatest things we can do with our lives is serve others. As I have battled my anxiety and depression issues over the past few weeks I have found a modicum of relief on praying for others instead of myself. I am trying to learn the lesson God is trying to teach me as I wait for so many things to change in my life. At least if I am praying for others and trying to help them in my daily life I feel like I am doing something while I wait for my time to come. This is where patience and humility become virtues. I have written on patience and humility numerous times here in the past, but they are both lessons that we, as humans, struggle to learn fully.

Even though my prayer life has struggled of late, I have tried to keep others ahead of myself in my morning prayers. I have friends and family that are fighting serious illness, that need protection, and friends that are parents. I like to especially pray for the children of those close to me. I have seen the mistakes that I have made and that others have made and I pray constantly that these children will not repeat the same mistakes in their lives. I think maybe that is why I am struggling with the idea of me becoming a parent. I don’t know if I can handle the responsibility of potentially screwing up someone else's life when I haven’t made the best decisions for myself.

This si where my biggest deficiency comes in lately, and the one thing I have prayed most for myself. I am suffering from a severe lack of faith in God. It’s not that I question if He can provide, it is that I question if he even still exists. I feel I have had very little connection with the Father lately even in praying for others. As a result, I feel my life has very little purposes other than taking up consciousness during the day before I go to bed at night. It is a lonely, disquieting feeling.

But I am moving forward though. Lately, each day has felt like a small step forward. I am encouraged not because everything is fixed in my life, but I have hope that there will eventually be a day where I am okay. Eventually, everything will be solved and I will finally be able to move forward after such a long period of stagnation. In the meantime, I pray that God’s grace is with others and that he keeps them moving forward in their lives. That is more important to me right now. If he is not going to work in my life I pray that he is at least working in the lives of those around me.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

About Love

Today I discovered the story of Eva Markvoort. She was a 25 year old woman with cystic fibrosis that recently passed away while awaiting a double lung transplant. She shared her experience and her battle online via blog, gaining worldwide support and attention. More importantly, however, she talked about the importance of love.

We are reminded of love multiple time in the Bible that God is love. Romans 8: 39 states this as much.

39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God sent his Son to die on the cross for us because He loved us. Therefore, one can argue that love is the greatest gift that has been given to mankind. It is our responsibility to spread that love around for as long as we are on this earth.

I was reminded of this because of Eva’s story. She made her mission to love as much as possible while she battled her disease. She easily could have folded and given up in the face of a daunting challenge. Instead, she not only fought, but she was a source of strength and love for others. I was blown away by her Wall of Love in her hospital room. This is a woman that I will never meet, but I can tell that she was bursting with love for anyone that touched her life. It is an example that we can all follow.

I have had trouble loving other lately. I have sadly retreated into my own shell and my own pain away from everyone else. I haven’t felt like I can be useful to others in my pain, even though many others are much worse off than I am. It is my goal to turn this around in the coming days and to spread love like Eva spread love.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Leap of Faith

I can tell that God is asking me to have more faith lately. It’s strange too, because I have never had a time of less faith in my life. I feel like God is asking me to trust Him when it comes to making the leap and trying for a child. He is also asking me to trust Him when it comes to a new medication that may help with some of the problems I have been facing mentally. It is a big step for me to come this far and admit I need help. I need to take the following big step after that and see if medication is indeed the answer.

17He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. – Ephesians 2:17-18.

Peace. I have felt far away from peace for some time. Even as I read these words, part of God’s promise to us, I question if that promise can be fulfilled. It is not unusual for me to question even these promises lately, so it has not made for a fun existence.

They are promises, however. There is a lesson in this: Sometimes we have to merely keep pushing ourselves forward every day. I know I am in a very low point right now, but I am still going forward. As much as I want to lay down and quit, I can’t. That is how these promises are fulfilled.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Trying to be open

I have dreaded today for a long time. Now that I am back home after another wonderful trip to Miami, I am forced to return to a life that is offering very little promise. My first day back is another lonely one at home with no advancement either in my career in my personal life. This adds to my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think this is why I have struggled so much lately with my perspective of time. Everyone else seems like they have been allowed to advance in their lives while I have the same result every day regardless of what I try. If I try to move forward, nothing happens. If I stay in one place and wait for God, nothing happens.

This has led me to doubt God’s very existence. That is something that has shaken me to my very core. I have tried to read and reassure myself with the promises of the Word, but they have done very little to calm the deep sense of foreboding that I feel deep within me. I am terrified of what the future holds for me, but I have no choice but to move forward. Lately, this fear has been paralyzing at times. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning and can cause me to freeze up in public.

So I guess today, instead of trying to impart some wisdom, it is me reaching out for prayer. I have lost a great community of fellowship. I repent of walking away and trying to make it on my own spiritually. That is not something we can do at all. It is my prayer this morning that you can find your own community to get involved with spiritually, and that you can advance according to God’s will. I solemnly ask that you pray the same for me as well.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Seeking peace

I had an interesting conversation with my father last night. We were talking about finding peace in this world and he mentioned that it is there through the Father. That is what I have been seeking for some time. Today, I feel as if I have that peace. I have it because I now have hope again that things will be okay eventually.

This peace has come from a combination of factors. First, we have the promise. God has promised that we are cared for if we trust in Him. That care comes in a variety of forms, but it was there. Second, I must learn to cede control of many things in my life that are far beyond my control. Lately, I have feared aging, but it is something that I don’t have a choice about. I know that a child is something that could be in my near future because of my aging. While I don’t feel ready to become a father, the natural progression of time may mean I have no choice before too long if it is ever going to happen.

It is things like this that I have no control over. I let that lack of control overwhelm me last week. For this week, there is something different. Maybe it is perseverance. I moved forward despite every urge pushing me back last week. I had no choice but to move forward. The biggest lesson we can learn in this life is perseverance. I think back to my favorite verse:

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:4.

Perseverance is my only source of strength in this world. It is through perseverance that I can learn that each day is not a waste if I am not accomplishing something grand. As long as I am moving forward slightly, it is a good day.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -- 2 Peter 3:9

Lately, I have been feeling very numb. As I have studied the Word, specifically 2 Peter, over the last three days I have finally found a modicum of peace. It comes from the promises that God gives us. First, we cannot change anything by worrying. I may be obsessed with growing old and dying of late, but my worry does nothing but make me miserable in the present day. Second, we are promised peace because God is patient with us. I have felt better today not because I have peace in my life, but because I know that peace is coming. I hope that makes sense.

It is this peace about peace that has helped to cut through some of the numbness I have been feeling. Someday, it will all be okay. This is merely one of life’s small valleys. As the verse above states, the Lord is not slow, but patient in His promises. I may not see what is going on behind the scenes with what He is doing, but He is doing it. I cannot change what He is doing or even if He exists. I admit, there have been doubts lately, but I can only keep doing what I am doing. If He is truly there, it will all work out in the end.

Monday, April 5, 2010


It has been awhile since I have written here, but I once again feel called back. I guess that is why I have never truly closed off this part of my life. Lately I have been feeling such separation from the divine presence that I don’t feel qualified to write about it anymore. Even then, I am going to try and write a few things that are on my heart in the hopes they do some good. That has been the point since I started this blog anyway.

It seems like there are so many conflicting thoughts running through my head every day. I know of the promises that God has made for us, but as each day speeds by and blends in with the last I have lost sight of them. Yes, I know what we are promised in my head, but I no longer feel it in my heart. In place of that, I feel as if certain aspects of my personality have been turned off. In those areas I feel nothing. There is no emotion, no conflict, no love, only numbness. It is frightening and saddening all at the same time.

Since I last wrote here I accepted a job that was supposed to be permanent, but ended after three weeks because they said I violated their asinine IT policy. That was nine weeks ago. I thought I would enjoy the time I had to refocus myself. Instead, I have seen only loneliness increase each day. I feel exiled from humanity, and it is an exile that will grow worse each day. This doesn’t include my pervasive thoughts of growing old and my own death. Lately, I have been terrified of becoming an old man, but honestly the alternative hasn’t sounded much better.
It is tough living a life of numbness. I think that is why I have come back here even though my ramblings don’t make a lot of sense sometimes. I come here because of this:

20Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. 21For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. – 2 Peter 1:20-21

I am not pretending to be a prophet. I am simply trying to write in the hopes that one good thing can be culled from my writing and make a difference. I am writing so I can feel alive again. I am tired of walking around in the husk of a man, seeking meaning every second of life and feeling like time spent away from the pressures of the world is wasted time. It’s funny. I live under constant stress like I have to make every second of life count for some grand scheme, but I honestly have no direction to go in life. I think I get maybe an hour of peace every week where my spirit feels sated. I apologize for rambling like this, but I am only seeking answers.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sorry I have been away

Once again, I have been dealing with a lot of things. I noticed a few real comments on that last post however. If you would like me to continue, please leave a comment and I will start things back up.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The humanity of Jesus

I think I have finally figured out a better way to do this thing. Instead of forcing a writing every day, maybe I should space things out and only write when I feel like there is a message close to my heart. I think I will try that for awhile rather than deal with the frustration of struggling to write something everyday. Quality of Quantity, you know?

Lately I have been reading the book Incredible Moments with the Savior by Ken Gire. It deals primarily with the human moments of Jesus’ ministry. It is a very small devotional guide with 13 different moments from His ministry seen from a strictly human perspective.

Lately I have been fascinated by that side of Jesus. Gire’s book is essentially a focus peace on the love and compassion exhibited by Christ. I don’t think we focus on his humanity enough though. Yes, Jesus was and is fully God. He had a divine nature that we cannot even begin to grasp within our frame of mind. He was a man that was with God at the Beginning, yet He was still fully human.

There are so many moments where we see Jesus’ human emotions coming through. Most of these are from the last three years of His life during his public ministry. We don’t have a glimpse into the first 30 years of His life where he lived quietly as a carpenter in Nazareth. One of the common threads about each moment we see from Jesus is His compassion.

When you think about it, compassion is one of the main reasons for His ministry. It was compassion that drove Him to be a sacrifice for the sins of the world. It was evident in more than His sacrifice though. Many of His miracles were driven by this compassion, not by his desire to prove His divinity. Think of the moment with the Royal Official (John 4:46-53). This man had money, power, and respect, but he still came to Jesus in desperation because of his son’s illness. Jesus saw this man’s desperation and acted out of compassion.

We could benefit from this. I know I could. All too often I let my bitterness and cynicisms get the best of me. It makes me judgmental and closed off: the opposite attitude I need to have.

Jesus teaches that compassion does not have to come in huge gestures either. It can come in a simple kindness such as a note of encouragement. IT can even come in the simple form of prayer. Over the last couple days I have tried to step back from a larger picture in order to see what I can do on a smaller scale, even if that scale only in prayer. Jesus is the one that is big enough to hand the larger scale things. He even teaches that we can only handle what we have today. I hope this makes sense today.