Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Leap of Faith

I can tell that God is asking me to have more faith lately. It’s strange too, because I have never had a time of less faith in my life. I feel like God is asking me to trust Him when it comes to making the leap and trying for a child. He is also asking me to trust Him when it comes to a new medication that may help with some of the problems I have been facing mentally. It is a big step for me to come this far and admit I need help. I need to take the following big step after that and see if medication is indeed the answer.

17He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. – Ephesians 2:17-18.

Peace. I have felt far away from peace for some time. Even as I read these words, part of God’s promise to us, I question if that promise can be fulfilled. It is not unusual for me to question even these promises lately, so it has not made for a fun existence.

They are promises, however. There is a lesson in this: Sometimes we have to merely keep pushing ourselves forward every day. I know I am in a very low point right now, but I am still going forward. As much as I want to lay down and quit, I can’t. That is how these promises are fulfilled.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Trying to be open

I have dreaded today for a long time. Now that I am back home after another wonderful trip to Miami, I am forced to return to a life that is offering very little promise. My first day back is another lonely one at home with no advancement either in my career in my personal life. This adds to my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think this is why I have struggled so much lately with my perspective of time. Everyone else seems like they have been allowed to advance in their lives while I have the same result every day regardless of what I try. If I try to move forward, nothing happens. If I stay in one place and wait for God, nothing happens.

This has led me to doubt God’s very existence. That is something that has shaken me to my very core. I have tried to read and reassure myself with the promises of the Word, but they have done very little to calm the deep sense of foreboding that I feel deep within me. I am terrified of what the future holds for me, but I have no choice but to move forward. Lately, this fear has been paralyzing at times. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning and can cause me to freeze up in public.

So I guess today, instead of trying to impart some wisdom, it is me reaching out for prayer. I have lost a great community of fellowship. I repent of walking away and trying to make it on my own spiritually. That is not something we can do at all. It is my prayer this morning that you can find your own community to get involved with spiritually, and that you can advance according to God’s will. I solemnly ask that you pray the same for me as well.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Seeking peace

I had an interesting conversation with my father last night. We were talking about finding peace in this world and he mentioned that it is there through the Father. That is what I have been seeking for some time. Today, I feel as if I have that peace. I have it because I now have hope again that things will be okay eventually.

This peace has come from a combination of factors. First, we have the promise. God has promised that we are cared for if we trust in Him. That care comes in a variety of forms, but it was there. Second, I must learn to cede control of many things in my life that are far beyond my control. Lately, I have feared aging, but it is something that I don’t have a choice about. I know that a child is something that could be in my near future because of my aging. While I don’t feel ready to become a father, the natural progression of time may mean I have no choice before too long if it is ever going to happen.

It is things like this that I have no control over. I let that lack of control overwhelm me last week. For this week, there is something different. Maybe it is perseverance. I moved forward despite every urge pushing me back last week. I had no choice but to move forward. The biggest lesson we can learn in this life is perseverance. I think back to my favorite verse:

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:4.

Perseverance is my only source of strength in this world. It is through perseverance that I can learn that each day is not a waste if I am not accomplishing something grand. As long as I am moving forward slightly, it is a good day.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -- 2 Peter 3:9

Lately, I have been feeling very numb. As I have studied the Word, specifically 2 Peter, over the last three days I have finally found a modicum of peace. It comes from the promises that God gives us. First, we cannot change anything by worrying. I may be obsessed with growing old and dying of late, but my worry does nothing but make me miserable in the present day. Second, we are promised peace because God is patient with us. I have felt better today not because I have peace in my life, but because I know that peace is coming. I hope that makes sense.

It is this peace about peace that has helped to cut through some of the numbness I have been feeling. Someday, it will all be okay. This is merely one of life’s small valleys. As the verse above states, the Lord is not slow, but patient in His promises. I may not see what is going on behind the scenes with what He is doing, but He is doing it. I cannot change what He is doing or even if He exists. I admit, there have been doubts lately, but I can only keep doing what I am doing. If He is truly there, it will all work out in the end.

Monday, April 5, 2010


It has been awhile since I have written here, but I once again feel called back. I guess that is why I have never truly closed off this part of my life. Lately I have been feeling such separation from the divine presence that I don’t feel qualified to write about it anymore. Even then, I am going to try and write a few things that are on my heart in the hopes they do some good. That has been the point since I started this blog anyway.

It seems like there are so many conflicting thoughts running through my head every day. I know of the promises that God has made for us, but as each day speeds by and blends in with the last I have lost sight of them. Yes, I know what we are promised in my head, but I no longer feel it in my heart. In place of that, I feel as if certain aspects of my personality have been turned off. In those areas I feel nothing. There is no emotion, no conflict, no love, only numbness. It is frightening and saddening all at the same time.

Since I last wrote here I accepted a job that was supposed to be permanent, but ended after three weeks because they said I violated their asinine IT policy. That was nine weeks ago. I thought I would enjoy the time I had to refocus myself. Instead, I have seen only loneliness increase each day. I feel exiled from humanity, and it is an exile that will grow worse each day. This doesn’t include my pervasive thoughts of growing old and my own death. Lately, I have been terrified of becoming an old man, but honestly the alternative hasn’t sounded much better.
It is tough living a life of numbness. I think that is why I have come back here even though my ramblings don’t make a lot of sense sometimes. I come here because of this:

20Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation. 21For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit. – 2 Peter 1:20-21

I am not pretending to be a prophet. I am simply trying to write in the hopes that one good thing can be culled from my writing and make a difference. I am writing so I can feel alive again. I am tired of walking around in the husk of a man, seeking meaning every second of life and feeling like time spent away from the pressures of the world is wasted time. It’s funny. I live under constant stress like I have to make every second of life count for some grand scheme, but I honestly have no direction to go in life. I think I get maybe an hour of peace every week where my spirit feels sated. I apologize for rambling like this, but I am only seeking answers.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sorry I have been away

Once again, I have been dealing with a lot of things. I noticed a few real comments on that last post however. If you would like me to continue, please leave a comment and I will start things back up.