Wednesday, May 12, 2010


One of the greatest things we can do with our lives is serve others. As I have battled my anxiety and depression issues over the past few weeks I have found a modicum of relief on praying for others instead of myself. I am trying to learn the lesson God is trying to teach me as I wait for so many things to change in my life. At least if I am praying for others and trying to help them in my daily life I feel like I am doing something while I wait for my time to come. This is where patience and humility become virtues. I have written on patience and humility numerous times here in the past, but they are both lessons that we, as humans, struggle to learn fully.

Even though my prayer life has struggled of late, I have tried to keep others ahead of myself in my morning prayers. I have friends and family that are fighting serious illness, that need protection, and friends that are parents. I like to especially pray for the children of those close to me. I have seen the mistakes that I have made and that others have made and I pray constantly that these children will not repeat the same mistakes in their lives. I think maybe that is why I am struggling with the idea of me becoming a parent. I don’t know if I can handle the responsibility of potentially screwing up someone else's life when I haven’t made the best decisions for myself.

This si where my biggest deficiency comes in lately, and the one thing I have prayed most for myself. I am suffering from a severe lack of faith in God. It’s not that I question if He can provide, it is that I question if he even still exists. I feel I have had very little connection with the Father lately even in praying for others. As a result, I feel my life has very little purposes other than taking up consciousness during the day before I go to bed at night. It is a lonely, disquieting feeling.

But I am moving forward though. Lately, each day has felt like a small step forward. I am encouraged not because everything is fixed in my life, but I have hope that there will eventually be a day where I am okay. Eventually, everything will be solved and I will finally be able to move forward after such a long period of stagnation. In the meantime, I pray that God’s grace is with others and that he keeps them moving forward in their lives. That is more important to me right now. If he is not going to work in my life I pray that he is at least working in the lives of those around me.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

About Love

Today I discovered the story of Eva Markvoort. She was a 25 year old woman with cystic fibrosis that recently passed away while awaiting a double lung transplant. She shared her experience and her battle online via blog, gaining worldwide support and attention. More importantly, however, she talked about the importance of love.

We are reminded of love multiple time in the Bible that God is love. Romans 8: 39 states this as much.

39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

God sent his Son to die on the cross for us because He loved us. Therefore, one can argue that love is the greatest gift that has been given to mankind. It is our responsibility to spread that love around for as long as we are on this earth.

I was reminded of this because of Eva’s story. She made her mission to love as much as possible while she battled her disease. She easily could have folded and given up in the face of a daunting challenge. Instead, she not only fought, but she was a source of strength and love for others. I was blown away by her Wall of Love in her hospital room. This is a woman that I will never meet, but I can tell that she was bursting with love for anyone that touched her life. It is an example that we can all follow.

I have had trouble loving other lately. I have sadly retreated into my own shell and my own pain away from everyone else. I haven’t felt like I can be useful to others in my pain, even though many others are much worse off than I am. It is my goal to turn this around in the coming days and to spread love like Eva spread love.