Trying to be open

I have dreaded today for a long time. Now that I am back home after another wonderful trip to Miami, I am forced to return to a life that is offering very little promise. My first day back is another lonely one at home with no advancement either in my career in my personal life. This adds to my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think this is why I have struggled so much lately with my perspective of time. Everyone else seems like they have been allowed to advance in their lives while I have the same result every day regardless of what I try. If I try to move forward, nothing happens. If I stay in one place and wait for God, nothing happens.

This has led me to doubt God’s very existence. That is something that has shaken me to my very core. I have tried to read and reassure myself with the promises of the Word, but they have done very little to calm the deep sense of foreboding that I feel deep within me. I am terrified of what the future holds for me, but I have no choice but to move forward. Lately, this fear has been paralyzing at times. It makes me not want to get out of bed in the morning and can cause me to freeze up in public.

So I guess today, instead of trying to impart some wisdom, it is me reaching out for prayer. I have lost a great community of fellowship. I repent of walking away and trying to make it on my own spiritually. That is not something we can do at all. It is my prayer this morning that you can find your own community to get involved with spiritually, and that you can advance according to God’s will. I solemnly ask that you pray the same for me as well.