I have not been happy with a lot of things lately. I have not been happy with the way this blog was progressing. I have not been happy with the way I have handled news, both good and bad. For example: I recently received wonderful news that I finally had a full-time, permanent job. Not only that, I would be managing a sports website from home. This seems to be perfect for me. I would be getting paid to sit at home, write, and work in a field that I am genuinely interested in. How could it not be better?
My latest reaction, however, has been sheer terror. I am afraid I can't do the job. I am afraid that I will become too tied down to it. I am afraid that it is too good to be true. I start this job on Thursday, and I have so much anxiety that I can barely breathe at times. This anxiety consumes me when I know mentally that there is no reason for it. It doesn't make since that I would be paralyzed by this much apprehension over something so simple. That is what makes the situation all the more frustrating because I should be overjoyed.
The only reason behind his is the same reason this blog has suffered. I have fallen away in my walk from God. There has not been something drastic. I haven't had a great moral failure or anything like that. I have simply relied on myself for too long and I have fallen away from the peace that God offers. The connection that I once had is no longer there. I have felt adrift in my faith. My worship has been non-existent. My spiritual disciplines have been robotic at best.
Today is a good day to move past that. I turn 30 today. It is the age where I can see where I have been and I realize that where I am going is very close at hand. Today I want to repent from how lost I have become and I want to rededicate myself to the plan God has for me. I have gotten here because of a lack of patience, and as a result I don't even know what I want now. One of God's great promises, however, is that he doesn't move. He is still there. I just have to ask him to show me the path back to Him.
Here is what I want for the rest of my life: I want to make the most of the gifts that God has given me. I want to study His Word, His promise to us, and have it speak to me as it once did. God has given me a wonderful gift with the written word. I have no doubt that His plan for my life involves my writing. As much as I enjoy my sportswriting, I know it ultimately means nothing compared to what I can write for God's kingdom. He has given me everything that I need. They are his gifts anyway, not my own. God has placed me in a position where I can influence people for him with the written word. He has placed me where I can reach people for His kingdom, which is what we are called to do.
This is what I want to turn this blog into. I want to continue writing on what God is telling me. I want to study his word, learn from it, and pass it on to others. I know there is much I need to learn, but I want other to learn with me. My own doubts are preventing me from feeling so much. They make me focus on negativity and question if I even believe in all this despite the evidence to the contrary I have seen.
We are told through God's Word that Christ is the only way to salvation. It is by believing in His death on the Cross and resurrection that we are absolved of our sins if we only accept his sacrifice. That is the message. It is so simple, but it takes such a leap of faith to follow because no one can prove it by earthly means. We won't know the final answer on it until we die or He returns as promised. Right now I know I believe it, but my heart does not feel it. I long to share that with others because I know it is my responsibility, but I need to get that feeling back in my heart as well. This has become a quest for inner peace as well as a mission to speak of God's Word.
It is my hope that you will come along with me on this journey as I strive to get back there. I do not have all the answers and never will. I am willing to look for them though. I will begin tomorrow by seeking wisdom from the book of Proverbs. I cannot promise I will post every day, but I feel led in the direction of the book of Proverbs so that is where I shall go. Please be patient as I work through this new direction.
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